Does The Ordeal Ever End

by | Jul 1, 2021 | Musings | 0 comments

My birthday fast approaches and I can’t help but feel exhausted by the fact i’m only 34. I feel as though I have lived a million lifetimes. I remember watching the movie Adrift (a movie about a woman who was lost at sea for months before being rescued) and was balling my eyes out at the end. But I was crying so hard that I realised something had been triggered deeper in my body. When I started sensing what was there, I noticed this sensation that the ordeal wasn’t over for me yet (even though life on the outside was good). My body was living in some ordeal, or playing one out over and over again. I found most things to be a struggle, a sensation of treading water, trying to stay afloat. I sat with this a while.

Fast forward 6 months and I find the study of trauma coming strongly into my space. I was captivated by the book In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine and fell in love with the movie “Wisdom of Trauma”.

The body holds our trauma

I’ve always believed the body holds our trauma lovingly for us. Life is still teaching me about this. But currently, the healing is ramping up for me. Just yesterday I read a section of the abovementioned book and it spoke to something in my soul. It was a case summary of a woman who changed to be quite aggressive or very submissive. Having outbursts at people. This is how I find myself to be at times. I suddenly felt drawn to put the book down and tune into my body. My dream from the night prior popped into my head. A woman in my life whom I had had a falling out with was showing me her vagina. I whispered in her ear that I was afraid of them. It was not long after I woke up.

I tuned into my body and went straight to my womb. I realised I felt nothing there as though it didn’t exist. I next went to my heart space which felt hard and caged. My arms felt weak and my legs felt strong. I noticed myself feeling extremely vulnerable (I was lying in the bath). I have a deep fear of being seen. I suddenly felt so exposed being naked and felt the link between this sensation and my being seen fear.

I started crying, not really knowing why, I gave full permission for my body to express itself. I was crying and I could feel it building. It was at this moment my daughter came in, asking if I would be much longer as she was waiting to go out. #mumlife lol. I bookshelfed those feels, washed my face and got out of the bath. Although I was feeling a bit raw and sensitive I could pull it together enough to function.

After we came home and I knew I had a good solid hour before I would be disturbed, I sought to go back into my body. After a quick brief to my housemates that I would be entering a somatic healing space and all was well, I settled back in. It took a few moments to relax back into my body. There it was again, the void of my womb, the caged heart, my strong legs and weak arms. I put my focus on the sensation of my womb and allowed the tears to flow. Stepping back and handing the reins over to my body. My legs felt like kicking, so I used the blanket to provide some resistance for myself, they went crazy but it felt so good to use those muscles and expend the energy in them. My arms then felt charged to pull at the blanket. I then noticed some mild shaking in my body followed by some tears. There was a new softness in me that I didn’t notice before. This kind of loving gentleness. It sat with me for a few moments before I was drawn back to my womb again. The dream came into my head and the memories of being bullied at school flooded my mind. I became increasingly aware of how contracted my body felt. Like it was suffocating. I kicked again, and fought against the blanket, pulling and releasing stored up energy in my limbs. I became aware of how this had played out in my life. I was living a contracted life. It felt as though a boundary had been crossed that was outside of my conscious awareness and I could see so clearly how much of a target I was at school. I was an emotional wreck. Timid, withdrawn, needy. An easy meal for a group of girls I so longed to be friends with. Though I strived towards popularity rather than friendship. I’m not sure I even understood the ideals of a true friend back then.

The dark night of healing before the light

I took a deep breath into my lumbar spine. I became aware of the boundaries I had now about my time and my body. It felt like I could breath a bit better.

I then felt as though, touching some deep long forgotten wound, I was acutely tired. I fell asleep feeling raw and vulnerable. I cried and cried some more. I was aware of the meaning of my dream. Of the sister wound I had. My fear of vaginas mentioned in my dream was the repelling sensation I seemed to have with most of the women in my life. Always at arms length, seemingly or an inability to connect, or the friendship just fading to dust and me having no clue or understanding as to why.

This disconnect with the women in my life is the perfect reflection of the disconnect I feel to my own womb. I now have a greater sense of the gentle softness that resides there. But it also feels like there is a lot more work to be done.

I feel as though I have just had surgery. It feels raw to see my whole life through completely different eyes. A fresh perspective.

My main take away from this experience thus far is how trauma can affect us in ways our conscious minds have zero ideas about. How we can go about our daily life for so long we start accepting things as normal.

“We use our minds not to discover facts but to hide them. One of the things the screen hides most effectively is the body, our own body, by which I mean the ins and outs of it, its interiors. Like a veil thrown over the skin to secure its modesty, the screen partially  removes from the mind the inner states of the body, those that constitute the flow of life as it wanders in the journey of each day” – Antonio Damasio The Feeling of What Happens.

I feel as though I have had a piece of veil lifted. I can see how I have always been this person on the outside looking in, not even thinking it an option to be apart of the connected world. I am keen to experience this connection with other women. To heal this wound. I’m flying in the dark a bit at the moment as to how but I trust the answers will come. It feels dark, sensitive and heavy in my body at the moment but I’ve had enough experience in dark nights of the soul by now to know the light will come. I am guided, this I know. 

Stay posted for the unfolding of this connection journey…