Who am I?
Do we ever truly know ourselves until we have been tried and tested in battle? I have found myself asking who, am I? I think I know the answer and then I circle back and find myself asking it again. It’s a big question and the more I ask and receive answers, the more I seem to learn the many layers and dimensions to which this question must be answered.
It is only in battle that I can truly see myself. In those moments of life when I am being tried and tested. When I fight my way into the crossroads and stand before myself with my hands in the air saying “well, who are you?” “What choice will you make?” I don’t presume for a second to know all the ins and outs of this question, for I am very much on the path as everyone else. But I feel pretty confident in saying I define myself by the choices I make and how I reflect on them after. I use my choices to check in and see reflected in the physical surface of life all the work I have been doing on the inside.
For every meditation, workshop, ritual, ceremony and book I read changes me. But I cannot truly know or measure these changes until that moment that I prepare for battle.
Battle in the context of this blog is the big moments we come across in life. The situations that are not pleasant. An argument, relationship problem, a situation (one we would preferably not deal with) or an event which is generally unpleasant in nature.
When I come across an unloving situation, I am presented with choices on how I react. Am I still letting my emotions best me? Or have I put in enough work to allow the love of higher consciousness flow through me? Have I battled enough to learn the secret is actually in laying down my weapons and surrendering my ego (by this I mean my need to be right, my hurt and pain, my victim mentality) everything that would normally separate me from the people around me. Am I ready to put that aside and allow love to flow, forgiveness to flow? To forget my hurt and see that the person or situation in front of me perhaps has a greater pain than I to bear? Can I put that aside and offer my hand in the name of love to help those as best I can who are clearly in pain? In this way I feel I will be able to stitch myself closer to my fellow mankind rather than living in separation, isolation and fear of them. For all that truly has been, is a reflection of my own state of ego and consciousness.
A kind friend once said to me “hurt people, hurt people.”
Its only when the battle is over that I can look upon myself and see who I am in that moment. I like to think that as I progress through life I am starting to look and see what I feel are parts of who I truly am, the simple beauty and essence, my nature that lies beneath my false self. It feels so right to be loving and kind. I am grateful that life brings battles to me when I ask it who I am. For words are but a one dimensional answer to a multidimensional question and therefore no where near as adequate as my being able to see myself through my own actions.
The only way it can truly be answered is by test of character.